Sometimes a pint of Ben and Jerry’s is just ice cream I used to think that I was alone. I thought using food to gain some control or comfort was something that only existed on the fringes of normalcy. I felt pain, shame, and disgust over my behavior. I have an eating disorder. There, IContinue reading “De-Vilifying Old Behaviors”
Category Archives: Uncategorized
THERAPY: CRUTCH OR CAST
I have spent most of my adult life in therapy. First, as a Junior in high school. Then, when my close friend was in a car accident and almost died when I was 19. I had, for lack of a better word, a nervous breakdown. I couldn’t function. Luckily for me, the owner of myContinue reading “THERAPY: CRUTCH OR CAST”
Imperfect
Last week I made a moderate mistake at work. I am a nanny for two little girls, 4 and 7. I had to drive the 7-year-old to her dance class at 5:15 and pick her up 45 minutes later. The only thing is, I pick her up on another day at 5:30. I was havingContinue reading “Imperfect”
The Very Beginning part 2
Earlier, I wrote about when our puppies got off the screened-in porch and ate glass. Around that same time my father made of, apparently, several suicide attempts. I was 4 or 5. My mother had taken my little sister to our sitter’s house. I was in the kitchen washing dishes. One of my favorite activities.Continue reading “The Very Beginning part 2”
Tackling Shame
Every time I have taken a step forward toward shame, it has felt impossible. Group was a good example of that. I was good at giving feedback to others. I excelled at remembering the details of the problems of the other members, so I could pull together what they were going through, and relate itContinue reading “Tackling Shame”
Graduation
Today I said goodbye to Jonna, my therapist of 14 ½ years (halves are always important to me). I had four weeks of notice. Not a lot of time to wrap up all the loose ends. I thought I would be devastated. I thought I might break down and cry. Certainly, there were nights inContinue reading “Graduation”
Willingness
Why willingness? For several years I had the good fortune to be part of a wonderful weekly support group. Over time, I realized that I was resisting making the very changes I desired. Although I desired that change, there was something that I was not ready to give up. I wanted my life to beContinue reading “Willingness”
Prelude to Willingness
Prelude to Willingness (written 2018) I have been in therapy since my junior year in high school, off and on. Well, more on than off. This incarnation I have been with my therapist for over twelve years. By far the most time I have worked with anyone. Which was great, because it allowed me toContinue reading “Prelude to Willingness”
The very beginning
The beginning of Shame When I was four years old our family dog had a litter of puppies. They were these cute, snuggly fur balls. It was so much fun to play with them. They stayed in our screened in porch off the kitchen. One morning I woke up early. I was eager to playContinue reading “The very beginning”
Taken
So, I talked a little bit about the shame I experienced as a little girl. It left me feeling that I was defective. I didn’t have a right to be here. I wanted to not exist. That feeling continued through most of my life. Although there were plenty of things that happened in-between, next IContinue reading “Taken”
Winning Over Shame 