When Pain is a Source of Arousal When my father abducted me right after my 9th birthday, he had already been grooming me for at least 2 years. He left me with a group of 3 men and 2 women that I think of and refer to as THEY. They were true sadists. I do… Continue reading My Body’s Betrayal
Tag: survivor
Random Reinforcement
Waiting for me to get up. Copyright Debi Adams 2022 When you are training a dog, or in my case, a person, there are a variety of reinforcement techniques you can use. You can reward the dog, (or me as a child), every time they do something. With this, the dog, (or me as a… Continue reading Random Reinforcement
And Now, Something Totally Different
My book ends with my first day of total happiness. For most of my life, even when I was happy, there was a heaviness behind it. There was always pain. A good day was when I woke up, vaguely disappointed that there was another day. On a bad day, it was a heavy, desperate sort… Continue reading And Now, Something Totally Different
And it Keeps Going On
It would be nice to think getting to a point where I could forgive myself would be the end of a story. Perhaps there would be a twinge now and then, but life should be great. What I have been learning is, yes, life is great. There are moments when the life fairly glows. Most… Continue reading And it Keeps Going On
Shame
So, it’s been a while since I’ve posted. I recently sent my memoir to the editor. It’s so nerve-wracking! I want feedback, yet I fear it, as well. Of course, there is some shame attached. How dare you! My inner voices are crying. That is a secret! While there are so many things that have… Continue reading Shame
Facing Down Shame
From here to there Certain things, even when the sting of shame has healed, remain embarrassing. Which is not all bad. Shame, in its purest form, alerts us to when we have crossed a line. Or, as is frequently true in my life, when someone else has crossed a line. Something that feels so wrong… Continue reading Facing Down Shame
The Thief
A story of earned shame By the time I was eleven, I was starting to come out of my deep depression. My mother had moved us to a high-rise closer to town. It was a tougher neighborhood. Even school was not the haven it had once been. I began to have feelings that frightened me.… Continue reading The Thief
And Then There Was…Sex
A history of dating. OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA Considering the trauma I experienced around sex in my childhood, it is no surprise that I avoided dating. Until Bradford. It was the summer before I turned 16. My sister was hanging out with a group of friends. I felt tolerated. Bradford, a year older than I, was… Continue reading And Then There Was…Sex
BALANCE
When life gives you sunshine don't go chasing after the rain. I have what I think is my strangest problem ever. My time is overscheduled, all with things I desperately want to do. I work 20 hours a week, so what could congest my week that much? Just what I asked myself. First, there is… Continue reading BALANCE
Overcoming Self-Injury
Caution, possible triggers ahead I There came a time when I no longer tried to kill myself. Partially, I realized it was pointless. Whatever pain and brokenness I had needed solving while I was alive. Otherwise, I would just drag it with me to the afterlife. I was going to have to become whole at… Continue reading Overcoming Self-Injury
Winning Over Shame 