Childhood trauma, whether it was sexual, emotional, psychological, or physical, is especially hard to overcome. Often, the perpetrator is someone the child knows. Because the child either trusted or knew the perpetrator, it is hard for them to reconcile the positive attention with the shameful and painful reality of the abuse.
The first step in overcoming toxic shame is to name it. Shame differs from embarrassment or feeling ashamed. While embarrassment and ashamed tell them they have done something wrong, shame tells them they are wrong. This is probably why those who lived through childhood trauma often struggle with suicidal thoughts, self-injury, and alcohol or drug use.
Those who have healed from their trauma often come face to face with this shame. They acknowledge that the perpetrator committed the sin, not them. It gets more complicated if the person still has their abuser in their life. Getting free means that child, no matter how old, must see clearly that he or she is not to blame. They were a child and not developmentally able to give consent. They deserved love, safety, and healthy attention.
It is common to feel angry, betrayed, sad, and even self-destructive in the process of letting the shame go. Once the adult child gets to the point of acceptance, it would be easy to think that the feelings of hurt, betrayal, and anger would dissipate. Often, they do not.
Even though the victim knows they were not to blame, habits, thought processes, and old scripts they tell themselves remain. Now, the question becomes how to heal from shame.
One example from my life.
When I was 9 and my father abducted my sister and me, I was sure I was to blame for every bad thing that followed. After all, when we sat in the airport terminal, ready to return to my mother, I told him I didn’t want to go home. There was a sudden difference in his posture. He told me it would be an inconvenience, and he hadn’t planned it. But since I asked….
Everything that happened in the 6 months that followed left me more certain that I was wrong and that I should not exist. I held tight to that belief. After all, if I were not to blame, then it was my father’s fault. My mother was distant. She frightened me, even. Therefore, my father had to be right, had to be good. If I could just believe the things he told me, everything could be okay. Once again, I converted his shameful acts into my responsibility.
So how to heal from shame? For me, it came down to relationships, something I had little experience with. Almost anything that matters in life comes down to interacting with other people. A former victim may have boundaries that are so diffuse that they will trust everyone. That means they attract people who cannot see them as equals. On the other hand, their boundaries may be so rigid that no one can hurt them.
The person with diffuse boundaries may need to look at people with a critical eye. Not everyone deserves trust. They would benefit from time with a mental health practitioner.
People with rigid boundaries may need to start small. Casual acquaintances (for me, it was a dog park) that pose minimal risk. They can progress with people they share some of their life with. Eventually, we all hope to find an intimate relationship. Either romantic or platonic.
This is just one way to start to heal from shame. There are many roads that end at wholeness and happiness. “Winning Over Shame. A memoir of surviving sexual, emotional, and psychological abuse, plus the skills and tools anyone can use to find their whole and happy” lets the reader see how abuse can drive a person inside themselves. It is also full of tools and skills to learn. They are best as a template, a start that the victim can make their own.
Childhood trauma is far too common in society today. The victims carry the shame of their perpetrators’ abuse. Breaking free is painful. However, it is the road to living a full life. Free from monsters in the night and demons within.
Also Read: Psychological Abuse Recovery: Steps I took to Heal from Emotional Trauma
