Psychological Abuse Recovery: Steps I took to Heal from Emotional Trauma

Emotional abuse is vicious and often unrecognized. After all, we can sing the words, “Sticks and stones can break your bones, but words can never hurt you.” It can be bullying at school, and it can be constant words at home. Words that never stop. Words that teach you who you are and what you are supposed to do.

My father was the king of psychological abuse, always done with a smile and a confident belief that he knew best. When I was four, our puppies got out of the screened-in porch, ate glass, and died. His simple statement, “Someone must have left the screen door open,” created fear and despondency. I knew I was wrong and shouldn’t be. After all, my parents, perfect as all parents are to four-year-olds, could not have done it. It must have been me.

I spent decades haunted by that certainty. Years when I desperately wanted to die. My little sister and a sense of obligation kept me here.

There was a year, when I was in sixth grade, when I experienced severe bullying. There was a group of girls who blamed my sister and me for an accident on the playground. In school, they ostracized us from the other children. After school, they would hunt us down. When they caught us, I curled up in a ball, instinctively protecting my head and stomach, while they hit and kicked until it was no longer fun.

There was a time, finally, after many years of therapy, when my desire to be free of those demons in my mind overcame my reluctance to feel the shame from these and other events. The first step in overcoming the pain inherent in those memories was journaling.

I wrote out the stories once, twice, a dozen times. Until the shame softened some. Then, I girded up my loins and shared the memories with my therapist. She let me talk as much, and as little, as I felt able. Hearing from someone else that those girls, that my father, were wrong was comforting.

Bit by bit, I started reality checking. I had to ask myself, was it reasonable to believe a little girl was bad because of an open door? Surely a parent would have checked all the doors before they went to bed. Finally, I felt sad for that little me.

As for the classmates who brought me so much shame and pain? The first thing I felt was anger. Vicious anger that seemed to demand a physical release. I punched a pillow and broke old plates on our basement floor. For me, these attempts made me feel worse, not better. Slowly, I began looking at the situation from their point of view. I acknowledged that the girls were probably facing pressure at home. Their parents expected them to protect the younger children in their families. My sister and I were outsiders and easy scapegoats. It was likely that violence was a language they had grown up with.

Of course, these abbreviated versions of my climb out from under shame and emotional abuse might make it sound easy. And, of course, it wasn’t. If I were to make a checklist of steps to heal from emotional abuse, it would include four initial steps.

1. Face the memories. While I did this through writing, there are endless roads to release.
   
   1. Talk to someone you know and trust.
   2. Express yourself creatively. That could be through song or dance, through art or creating a fetish box (something I discuss in my book).
   3. Reach out to someone the same age you were. Spend time with them. Consider, if someone treated them the way you were treated, how would you react?
2. Share your story. Find a safe person.
   
   1. A therapist.
   2. A support group. Though finding a productive group takes some work, I found mine more healing than anything else I have done.
   3. A friend.
3. Practice opposites.
   
   1. If you want to run and hide from a situation, stand up, assuming it is a safe situation.
   2. If you feel depressed when a memory comes up, do something active. Go for a walk, dance around the house, or cook yourself a good meal.
   3. If you feel angry, try deep breathing exercises.
   4. If you feel young and vulnerable, find someone you can nurture or support.
4. Forgive. This is the toughest point.

Forgiveness is an act within yourself. It represents letting go of the hurt and the pain. It requires nothing more than that. You don’t have to tell the other person, because it is not about them. It is, most simply, refusing to be held captive by their actions and your memories.

Sadly, forgiveness is not one and done. There will be triggers, sometimes totally unexpected. Each time, you will have to choose. Do I hold on to this pain, or do I continue to forgive? Both choices are legitimate, although holding on becomes you inflicting the pain.

Each time you choose to forgive, the healing goes deeper. Eventually, you will feel the prick of shame from the emotional abuse and brush it aside.

Though healing comes in cycles, these beginning steps can lead to a life free from psychological abuse. As a bonus, they make it harder for you to tolerate that behavior in your new, improved life.