Anxiety is No Way to Live

How I overcame the monster in my brain

Until recently, and I am sure this does not surprise you; I was anxious all the time. Not just as a child. I had anxiety attacks daily. Something that felt like my old trauma often triggered them. Sadly, by the time of my first hospitalization, that felt like everything.

There were so many times I sat counting my heart beats. That horrid feeling that my heart was going to explode.

In the hospital, they diagnosed me with generalized anxiety disorder. For almost 25 years, I took klonopin every day.

The thing about anxiety, or any fear, is the more you try to avoid it, the worse it gets. I could sympathize with people who became housebound. Avoidance feels like the logical answer.

What my anxiety looked like

It was not until the end of my journey to being whole and happy that I could process those feelings. “But what,” I can hear the person struggling say, “does that mean? People say face them, process them, challenge them. But honestly, I don’t know how to start.”

So let me take you back a bit. Imagine I am doing schoolwork for my virtual college classes. I am about to open the file of my latest paper. I am worrying about my grade. So scared of what criticism lies within. I take a deep breath and hit the button. I scan the text for red marks, glance at the grade, and close the window.

I sit there, my heart pounding and my breathing shallow. There were no great surprises. Once I have relaxed, I open the file again. Now I can read the comments.

It was much the same for what felt like everything. An email from a friend. Even phone calls. Or making phone calls. I was morbidly worried I’d catch someone at a bad time.

As for conversations, well, I had learned to halfway listen. If something came up to trigger me, I’d black it out. Later, when I was alone, I’d dare to hear it. Not a good way to deepen relationships. I felt like the only way to feel safe. I’d deal with it through writing in my journal.

The root of my anxiety lay in my shame. I was so frightened of being exposed as anything less than perfect. Because I still felt I was fundamentally wrong. Under the “Debi” everyone knew and seemed to like was ugly, twisted evil. I did not believe anyone could understand, let alone accept.

What worked for me

One of the essential tools, for me, was my coping box (you can get a free guide to making your own here https://mailchi.mp/7cb16d20079f/winning-over-shame-linkedin ). Those tools allowed me to stay grounded, helping me to feel my feelings in real time.

I also practiced breathing biofeedback. Bad news: you can’t just take a few breaths and expect to dispel your anxiety. Good news, it doesn’t need to be complicated or even time consuming. If you don’t enjoy breathing exercises, you can substitute most mindful exercises.

There is an array of fancy equipment and programs for biofeedback out there. I probably tried them all. But all you really need is something that will show your pulse in real time. The new pulse ox meters work well.

It is important, while you are creating the habit, that you pick a calm and quiet time and place. Then you breathe. At some point, your pulse will drop. Feel what is different and keep doing that. Eventually, just doing that breathing will trigger that calming, slower pulse. Just don’t allow your practice to create more anxiety. It is neither a race nor something with a timetable.

Now you can use that breathing to take the teeth out of your anxiety. More bad news, if you stop practicing it is likely to stop being effective, eventually. Good news, you might grow to enjoy it and move into meditation, which has many benefits.

The final approach I took to reduce my anxiety was movement. Before you roll your eyes, I never wanted to use my body for most of my life. It hurt. The racing heart felt like panic. I hated to sweat. Still, every heath professional I ever met told me it could do miracles. It creates lots of feel-good chemicals to help lift depression. And, of course, it is good for you.

Though I hated exercising, I did like dancing. That was a start, and any start is good. What I found, however, was that for anxiety, I needed to work harder. I needed to get my blood moving.

I took longer walks with my dog. Eventually I bought a treadmill. Somehow, I could go faster that way. Then, it was just a matter of being willing to jump on it when the anxiety started. The worse it felt, the harder I pushed. Was it a distraction? Was it the chemical boost? Or was it simply being proactive? I don’t know. But it often helped.

Wrapping it up

The fact is, you probably won’t find a silver bullet for your anxiety. The important thing is to keep trying. You can take charge of your anxiety through things like a coping box, biofeedback, exercise, or something else that feels good to you.

You deserve to be free of anxiety. The world is shinier, relationships can grow deeper, and you just plain old feel better. What works for you when anxiety, big or small, hits? Enquiring minds want to know.