Blessed; Yet Still Depressed

Holding opposite feelings in the holiday season.

There is so much good happening in my life right now. Even things that seem bad are working toward a happy trajectory. To have this undercurrent of a heavy weight pulling me down is so hard.

It’s not that this feeling is entirely new. It is just that this year there is a greater dichotomy in my heart. The magic of the last chapter in my book was a happy day for no reason. It was the first time I felt a “clean” happiness. Until then, every day had an undercurrent. It was always a varying level of disappointment to find I was here for another day. Most of the time, there was also anxiety. Every day had pain.

Perhaps only a person with a mood disorder has this sad ability to hold opposites within their feelings. I know the “unafflicted” people I’ve asked find it weird. They can’t even imagine.

Blessings pouring out on me.

I work 2 ten-hour days a week as a nanny for 3-year-old twins. The job is almost pure joy. Working with twins was my dream job for most of my career, and it is just as wonderful as I imagined. It takes intense focus to stay aware of both of their needs and interests. I stay alert to what they are working on cognitively, emotionally, and physically.

It is especially special because, after my shoulder replacement, I will never lift over 25 pounds again. These are my last “babies” (I’ve been with them 2.5 years).

The specific blessing right now is that the kids go to preschool in January. That means one of my days is going to be 5 hours. I told them I can’t take a pay cut, but I would work a different day. They decided they didn’t need another day. However, they will pay me for the hours I won’t be working! Come summer, I will work the full day again.

This is incredible. I desperately needed fewer obligations in my week. I thought I would have to give up teaching Sunday School. I even considered giving up my job. Now I have enough hours to meet all my obligations without stressing myself.

My book is now available exclusively through my store ( Store.WinningOverShame.com ). My publisher was not living up to his obligations. He did not pay out my royalties and wouldn’t even give me my sales data. He agreed to relinquish my book. Now it is a little orphan. However, I am speaking with a different publisher. If nothing comes of that, I will relaunch it as a self-published book.

The blessings are two-fold. First, I can pull back on advertising for a short time. Second, I can make some improvements, since he edited the book himself, rather than using a paid editor he had implied when I signed with him.

Finally, I am blessed to work with a personal trainer twice a week. He is exceptional at planning workouts that improve my function, and not just doing more and harder on machines. Every week I have felt myself getting stronger. I can climb stairs more easily. He says he sees improvement in my gait.

Depression trying to close in on me.

 Meanwhile, my birthday is coming up. I have always hyper-celebrated. It was a coping mechanism that started quite early.  It also is the anniversary of when my father abducted my younger sister and I when I turned 9. I wrote about that recently under Anniversary Reactions.

I supposed this was the first dichotomy in my life. It also seems to have overlapped my earliest manic episodose.

The fear, anger, anxiety, and physical pains are all down there. I struggle to get out of bed. To do the most basic of self-care. I want to cry, and I take everything personally. Not to mention the savage desire to eat constantly.

It doesn’t help that everyone wants to feed me this time of year. Cookies and candy. Meals and Christmas food.

Then there is my sister, how is still my favorite person in the world. Her youngest of 4 children is out of the house for the first time. She talks about how special it will be for all 10 members of her family to be together (including significant others). Every time she says that my heart breaks a little. Because I am not one of the 10. She has never invited me for a holiday at her house. Even when I had nowhere else to go and lived close by.

I must add, I avoided her children for most of their lives. Too often I was ferociously suicidal. I wanted to minimize the pain, should I go. Which leaves me with 4 grown children who grew up being told I was their favorite aunt. Four adult children who barely know me.

This year, I mentioned I was sad because I am feeling lonely. The families who “adopted” me have all faded away. Her response was that maybe I should call them to reconnect. Or make new friends, so I am not lonely.

That crushed me. I wanted to cry out, But I have an actual family; You. I wanted to ask her to invite me, too. However, I did nothing. I cried a little. I talked about it with my best friend. I got a little peace in the matter. It is another anniversary.

In the end it will be like most Christmas’ recently. I will go to Christmas eve dinner at my former employer’s house (I was their part-time nanny for 7 years). Then I will enjoy the few presents I bought for myself. Including a new book which I will spend the day reading. This year it is the letters of Mother Theresa. My great desire when I was younger was to be like her.

So, what to do with my dichotomy?

This year, I was determined to minimize the behaviors that come along with depression. I started working with a peer specialist in September. We worked out a checklist to help me stay on track. Then we reworked it. Then we reduced it to the minimum behaviors I felt had to be done. And reduced that.

In doing so, I realized it felt punishing to me. So, I stopped checking. I am using the lists as reminders. I’m diligently trying to be kind to myself.

Usually, I buy myself expensive candy and eat one piece a day until my birthday. With inflation, that candy was going to cost me over $50! I decided I don’t like it That much. Instead, I bought a beautiful advent calendar. It is a 3D winter scene that is spread through several layers of laser cut paper. Each day I open a little door and add an animal to the scene. I also have a gratitude tree kit I found. Each day I add a leaf of what I am grateful for that day.

I tend to isolate myself when I am depressed. This year I’m being aware of this trend. I’ve gone out to the movies with people from church several times. I keep going to a weekly dinner with friends where we also play games and socialize. And I try not to flake on my best friend. I even took myself to the Nutcracker. The girls I used to nanny for were in it.

It is no coincidence that one of the skills I talk about in my book is navigating the varying levels of relationships. From casual to intimate. Without people who matter, I am sure I would crawl into a deep hole and stay there as long as I can. I am sure because that happened for decades.

I also lean on my creative bend this time of year. My expressions are not very advanced. I often throw away my creations so no one else will see them. It’s the process of creation that helps lift my spirts. Especially if I use my mindfulness skills. Staying present in that moment. Focusing on each line I draw. Each word I write.

Though it is harder, I am also moving more this year. I had my shoulder replaced 5 months ago. Now I am going to the gym twice a week with a trainer. Even when I don’t even want to move, I somehow make it there. There is a level of accountability. I don’t want to let him down or waste my money.

It gives me energy and I feel better for a few hours. I am learning how to connect with my body. Something that would never have been possible back then. When you are being abused, and especially sexually abused, the last thing you want it to reside in your own skin. For the first time in my life, I am enjoying pushing myself. I like the weary soreness I feel in my muscles.

Perhaps you have a way to get through it I never thought of. Perhaps you can answer my perennial question, how do I give a d*** when I don’t even want to give a d***. When I actively want to cause myself pain. It’s a question I don’t have a brilliant answer to.

There are many reasons this time of year is hard. I’d like to know yours. Drop me a note or a response.

Be kind to yourself. Take heart, for most of us, better days are coming.