Daddy Crushes

The excruciating embarrassment of longing for a paternal figure

My “First” Daddy

My blog and my book expose so much of my father’s abuse. Yet I still loved him, needed him. For most of my life, I focused my need, reasonably enough, on him. Even during the first 10 years when I did not speak to him.

After a brief reconnect, I finally cut him out of my heart and mind. I fully understood his pathological inability to love anyone. I had grown up enough that his “love” was no longer anything to me.

Uncoupling the need for a father from my father did not stop the need, however. While I have a good stepfather, he came in when I was a teenager. He couldn’t, or at least didn’t, know how to parent intentionally.

Finding Out What Can Be

When I joined my church, I discovered that there are men who intentionally parent. People who put time and energy into giving each individual child what they need. These are men who work with their wife to create a family that supports and encourages each child in their uniqueness.

Oh, how I wanted the husbands of my friends to be my daddy.

Reread that sentence.

Because I still retain some magical thinking, a stage most people outgrow, my heart believed this wish could be true. Therefore, I wanted what they had for me.

Can you see how embarrassing this could be? I often worry that they see my desire but misunderstand. I fear they, or worse yet, their wives, think I have a grownup desire for them.

It is not every man who triggers this need in me. Only the best of the best. Of course, these are people my adult self also wants to be around.

When I first felt and recognized this dynamic, it felt just like my one crush in high school. I wanted nothing more than to be around him. Yet I had to avoid him. It was too intense. And too impossible.

Desire Became Avoidance

Of course, the first time was someone I liked and respected. I wanted to talk to him. To share ideas and hear what he believed was possible for me. I just couldn’t. Even worse, his wife was one of the dearest friends I had ever had. She taught me so much about the insides of extraordinary people.

I had always worked to act the way the women I admired acted. I didn’t know they struggled; that their insides were messy and complex, too. It was an amazing awakening. For the first time, I realized, down to my core, that I was a good person.

Every time I was in their home, he wanted to talk to me. He genuinely cared about what I had to say. He even thought I would be good at leadership positions in the church. I wanted him to feel proud of me. It was wonderful and excruciating.

I worried my friend could see it and misinterpreted it. So, I started avoiding him. Eventually, they moved away. He became my new idealized father figure.

Learning To Navigate

I suppose it is no surprise that my future daddy crushes have been on the husbands of my friends. Good women usually choose good husbands. Because I don’t want to give up these friendships, I have had to reframe my feelings.

In one case, I told the father how special he is. Because when he looks at his sons, he positively glows. It is obvious he is totally present at that moment. It is like seeing God’s love incarnate. I could tell it meant a lot to him. Telling him set a boundary for me. I explicitly acknowledged it as a feeling about his parenting. Therefore, I can enjoy being around him. I feel confident that is what he sees from me. Because he is extraordinary.

In another case, I see him all the time. It can be embarrassing how much I enjoy his attention. It requires so much self-awareness and self-talk to navigate the relationship.

I am clear within myself that what I am feeling is ok. I can bask in the reflection of his parental abilities. Occasionally, I need to remind myself. Because it can still be embarrassing.

Reality is Reality

I am proud that I can maintain these two very different relationships. It feeds my heart to be the recipient of this attention.

I will never find my fantasy father. It is far too late in my journey for that. I am too whole to go back to the brokenness that such a relationship would require. That doesn’t make the need go away. It does, however, moderate it.

I always wanted someone to come take care of me. In my heart, I believed such a thing was possible. More magical thinking. I stayed broke for so many years. To simply keep that dream alive.

Giving it up was one of the hardest, and most rewarding, things I ever did.

I wish I could tell you how I did it. That would be such a gift. Really, my mind knew it years before my heart. One day, I simply realized that it would never be. I had to mourn that. Then I had to label it as a desire only I could fill.

That made me mad. Eventually, I got to the point of acceptance. I came to see it as one of the many needs that were never filled. Things I deserved.

Now, I can care for these deserted needs. I think of them as still children, living within me. I try very hard to recognize my triggers. Then, I can feel the unmet need. I can acknowledge it and find a way to soothe it.

Until the next time.

Unmet needs aren’t always filled. It is possible to navigate them. To have a whole and happy life, anyway.