Three Grooves In My Mind

On making a high-stake decision.

My Situation:

Have you ever had the experience of reacting without thinking? I believe there are grooves in my mind. They are old, ingrained habits. Those habits pop up under stress. You know, those times you don’t have the energy to think through your reactions.

I was recently told by a marketing team I paid far too much money to that I can’t use self-hypnosis information in my programs if I want to work with them. Mind you, I will not provide actual hypnosis. Just examples of scripts and guidance in creating affirmations for those who want to make their own self-hypnosis recordings.

Self-hypnosis was so useful to me. I knew I couldn’t trust anyone else’s voice in my mind. I had so many pervasive thoughts. Logically, consciously, I knew they were nonsense. My subconscious was clinging to them. They felt safe, even though I knew they were anything but.

Simple affirmations were not making a dent. Talking about it with my therapist and journaling also were a bust. I had tried and tried for, literally, years. The self-hypnosis was the only thing that allowed me to believe more logically. It allowed my adult mind, rather than my child, traumatized mind, to make my decisions.

I believe the recordings I made were pivotal in me giving up self-injury and suicide as an out from painful feelings and situations. I believe in the skill that much.

My first (and second and third) thought when I was told I would have to drop self-hypnosis from my program was No Way. Yet, this program was Very expensive. I don’t want to throw it away haphazardly. I took a loan out to pay for the program. It galls me to keep paying it off with no benefit. So, I told my coach I need a week to think about it.

Yay for adult me. What I wanted to do was argue and defend my choices. However, that will not get me anywhere. The person who runs the program will not allow NLP, hypnosis, etc. in programs associated with him.

My only choices are to bend to his requirements or cut ties. Neither one feels good.

The grooves in my mind:

So, here come my grooves. I am afraid of giving him an answer. My child’s mind is afraid of saying no. There is a fear there.
Now, of course, I know there is nothing this person can do to hurt me. I know he isn’t an authority figure. Even though my child’s mind feels that way. I know it doesn’t matter if I disappoint him or go against what he wants.

So, why do I have butterflies in my stomach? Just thinking about it is making my heart race. I find myself holding my breath. That part of me would do anything to make the uncertainty go away. Even agreeing to water down or drop this important skill from my program.

And there is my second groove. Fear of authority figures. I give away power over me far too easily. To Doctors, and therapists, bosses, and roommates.

I find it hard to push against this.

Once again, my rational mind knows better. So far, I have been very aware of this tendency. I know I don’t have to do what this person says. Even though I know I have a right to my decision, at that moment it is hard not to give up my power. I am leery of having a conversation with him. I know it could be easy for him to convince me at that moment. Easy for him to talk me into what he wants.

And there is the final groove. My logical mind knows it is usually foolish to throw good money (or effort) after bad. Don’t keep spending just because you have already spent so much. I am far from alone in this. Still, there is this objection to simply writing off so much money without getting something useful out of it.

I have rarely had the luxury of having enough. And not just with money. I try very hard not to waste what I have or get in over my head. I feel I need to justify this extravagant expenditure. And that requires doing whatever the program says to make back the money and more.

In summary:

I want you to know that grooves in the mind are not just normal; they are necessary. If we had to think through every situation, it would mire us in our choices.

People who have experienced severe trauma often have especially deep grooves. After all, a misstep could have severe repercussions.

Take these three grooves of mind. Fear of saying no, fear of authority figures, and stubbornly sticking with a decision, even when it does not benefit me.

If you look at my life story, you can’t help but think, “well, that makes perfect sense.” And it really did. However (and I often must remind myself) I am now whole and happy. I don’t have to appease people. I’m allowed to make mistakes. Allowed to cut my losses and run.

I really haven’t decided yet. Sticking with the program could get me known and making money. Both important goals. However, it also means leaving out something so important to me.
I think the real question will become; can people benefit simply from making affirmations? People who, like me, have had those grooves seared into their psyche.

Nothing else worked for me. But I really don’t know what will work for anyone else. This is my story. My recovery, and my invitation to others to take inspiration from me.